I Thought Myself to Be a Gay Woman - David Bowie Enabled Me to Discover the Actual Situation

During 2011, several years ahead of the renowned David Bowie display launched at the famous Victoria and Albert Museum in London, I publicly announced a gay woman. Up to that point, I had exclusively dated men, with one partner I had married. By 2013, I found myself approaching middle age, a newly single caregiver to four kids, making my home in the US.

During this period, I had begun to doubt both my sense of self and sexual orientation, looking to find understanding.

I entered the world in England during the dawn of the seventies era - before the internet. As teenagers, my peers and I were without Reddit or video sharing sites to consult when we had inquiries regarding sexuality; rather, we sought guidance from pop stars, and in that decade, everyone was playing with gender norms.

Annie Lennox donned boys' clothes, Boy George wore girls' clothes, and musical acts such as well-known groups featured performers who were openly gay.

I desired his narrow hips and precise cut, his angular jaw and flat chest. I wanted to embody the artist's German phase

Throughout the 90s, I lived driving a bike and wearing androgynous clothing, but I returned to traditional womanhood when I opted for marriage. My spouse transferred our home to the US in 2007, but when the marriage ended I felt an undeniable attraction back towards the masculinity I had earlier relinquished.

Since nobody played with gender quite like David Bowie, I decided to use some leisure time during a summer trip returning to England at the V&A, anticipating that maybe he could provide clarity.

I was uncertain exactly what I was looking for when I entered the exhibition - possibly I anticipated that by immersing myself in the opulence of Bowie's gender experimentation, I might, consequently, stumble across a hint about my true nature.

Before long I was facing a compact monitor where the music video for "Boys Keep Swinging" was playing on repeat. Bowie was moving with assurance in the front, looking sharp in a charcoal outfit, while positioned laterally three accompanying performers in feminine attire crowded round a microphone.

Unlike the performers I had witnessed firsthand, these female-presenting individuals didn't glide around the stage with the poise of inherent stars; instead they looked disinterested and irritated. Positioned as supporting acts, they were chewing and showed impatience at the monotony of it all.

"Those words, boys always work it out," Bowie performed brightly, seemingly unaware to their diminished energy. I felt a momentary pang of understanding for the accompanying performers, with their pronounced make-up, ill-fitting wigs and constricting garments.

They appeared to feel as uncomfortable as I did in women's clothes - annoyed and restless, as if they were hoping for it all to conclude. Precisely when I understood I connected with three men dressed in drag, one of them ripped off her wig, smeared the lipstick from her face, and unveiled herself as ... Bowie! Revelation. (Understandably, there were two other David Bowies as well.)

Right then, I knew for certain that I wanted to rip it all off and emulate the artist. I desired his narrow hips and his defined hairstyle, his strong features and his flat chest; I wanted to embody the lean-figured, Berlin-era Bowie. Nevertheless I couldn't, because to truly become Bowie, first I would have to become a man.

Declaring myself as homosexual was one thing, but transitioning was a much more frightening prospect.

It took me additional years before I was willing. Meanwhile, I made every effort to embrace manhood: I abandoned beauty products and threw away all my skirts and dresses, cut off my hair and started wearing men's clothes.

I sat differently, walked differently, and changed my name and pronouns, but I stopped short of surgical procedures - the potential for denial and regret had caused me to freeze with apprehension.

When the David Bowie display concluded its international run with a presentation in Brooklyn, New York, following that period, I revisited. I had experienced a turning point. I was unable to continue acting to be something I was not.

Standing in front of the familiar clip in 2018, I became completely convinced that the problem didn't involve my attire, it was my biological self. I wasn't simply a tomboy; I was a man with gentle characteristics who'd been presenting artificially all his life. I desired to change into the individual in the stylish outfit, performing under lights, and now I realized that I could.

I scheduled an appointment to see a physician soon after. I needed another few years before my transition was complete, but none of the fears I feared materialized.

I maintain many of my female characteristics, so others regularly misinterpret me for a gay man, but I accept this. I sought the ability to play with gender following Bowie's example - and since I'm at peace with myself, I have that capacity.